Times like these
by life.rhapsody
Summary: KakaIru. Iruka finds Kakashi in his bedroom, and the jounin isn't behaving like himself. At all.


Disclaimer: Don't own

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Iruka stumbled into his dark apartment, tired and just wanting to sleep through the whole weekend. He turned the lights on and zipped open his vest and froze in mid movement. Something…was off? He looked around and didn't notice anything. He slipped off his vest, while his eyes roamed the apartment. He slipped a kunai out of its hiding place and headed towards his bedroom, slowly opening the door. The light flooded in and he was able to see the silhouette of a cowarding figure in the far corner. He knew immediately who it was. He walked slowly toward him, sliding the kunai on the dresser as he passed it.

At first he thought the jounin had passed out, but as he got closer, he noticed the lone blue eye was open, aware and alert. But his body was telling him differently. That he was tired, if not exhausted. Iruka knelt in front of him, his eyes wandering over the jounin's body looking for injuries in the dim light. He noticed his uniform was dirty, stained with…blood? The usually soft silver hair clumped together with unknown substances.

"Kakashi," Iruka spoke softly, he had no idea why the jounin hadn't moved or let alone said anything, _How__ long have you been here? Weren't you supposed to come back Sunday? You're early…_he left his questions for later, right now, his lover was behaving oddly. Usually the jounin would come home, desperate to get the edge off, to shift back into Kakashi, his 'Kashi. Then, his body would give in to his exhaustion, being able to sleep peaceful. Right now, Kakashi was behaving distant, and…just not like himself.

"Kakashi," he tried again, not getting a response from the older man. He noticed the eye flicker, but continued to stare blankly, "'Kashi," he tried the beloved petname, _Please, Kakashi say something…_

The jounin didn't move, he continued to lean on the wall to his left, his knees slightly lifted, as if the jounin slid down the wall and stayed there.

Iruka slowly scooted closer, keeping his eyes on the jounin's masked face, looking for a reaction. He tentatively reached to touch the hand that was on dirty clothed knee. The hand twitched under the touch and suddenly the blue eye locked on him. Iruka froze. The gaze seemed to pierce right through him, and somehow, he caught enough light to glow in the dark, making the gaze even more intense. Iruka remembered to breath, and let out a slow breath, and gently placed his hand on top of the gloved on, the cool metal in his palm. The hand tensed under his and the blue eye looked at the pair.

"'Kashi…" he whispered, _Please talk to me…_

He slowly reached to touch the jounin covered cheek but the jounin caught the movement and abruptly pulled out of reach, hitting his head on the wall behind him. Iruka mentally flinched and withdrew his hand.

"Kakashi…please…" he kept his voice soft, "…talk to me…" The blue eye closed and the older man took in deep breaths, trying to relax himself. The hand under his shifted to intertwine their fingers firmly. He waited patiently for the man to…do something, say something. The blue eye opens again, this time there in sadness in it, and it makes Iruka's heart ache.

"Iruka…" the voice is hoarse and low.

Iruka's eyes softened as he noticed that his lover's voice was strained. He reached to touch the covered cheek again, this time the jounin didn't move. Tan fingers slipped under the mask and pulled it down, now being able to caress the pale cheek.

"The…" he starts, but hesitates, thinking about his words, "the mission…," he gaze drops to their hands, "it…didn't go as planned…," there is a pause, the jaw under Iruka's hand tenses, and his voice drops, "it…didn't…go well."

Iruka doesn't ask "what was that didn't go well?" because he knows the jounin can't tell him. It was a S-class mission. But whatever it was, it was bothering the jounin; making him upset. Iruka leans in and plants a chaste kiss below the blue eye. He can tell that the jounin needs to tell someone, someone that sees him as human.

"'Kashi," his thumb stroke under the covered eye in understanding. The jounin opens his mouth as if to say something, but doesn't. Instead he closes his eye and leans in to the touch, letting out a tired sigh. They sit in the dim lighted room, on the floor, in silence while Iruka continuously stroked the pale cheek as he notices that the gesture relaxes the older man.

After a while Iruka breaks the silence, "are you injured?"

"No," the jounin's voice cracks, "just tired."

Iruka makes to stand up but is abruptly pulled into a tight embrace, and he returns it nearly immediately, after the initial shock. They stay like that for long time until he notices the grip loosen. He slowly pulls away to peer in to the pale face and realizes that the older man had fallen asleep. A smile small grows on his lips as he gently moves out of the limp embrace, and pulls the jounin to stand with him.

He manages to get the jounin on the bed and begins to undress him carefully, removing the dirty clothes off the pale body. When the clothes are removed and he begins to pull the covers over his lover his eyes catch the metal on the jounin's chest. His dogtags. But there are too many tags. He gingerly pulls the chain over the jounin's head and takes them into his hand. He inspects the extra couple of tags and his breath hitches.

_Genma __Shinarui_

His eyes grow wide, and his eyes wander back to his lover's sleeping form to find the blue eye looking at him sadly.

Iruka doesn't say anything. He's not supposed to know. He doesn't know if Kakashi intentionally didn't go straight to the Hokage when he returned, to turn in the tags and report about his mission. He doesn't know if Kakashi wanted him to know. He doesn't know. He's not supposed to.

He feels his throat constrict with sudden emotion, his mind playing back the words his lover said not too long ago…

_"__it…__didn't go as planned…"_

_"__it…__didn't…go well"_

"Iruka…" his lover's voice is strained and sounds unlike him, he look back into the pale blue eye.

_You had to watch him die…_Iruka felt like crying for his lover. Felt like screaming at the world's cruelty towards his lover.

He placed the tags on the bedside table and climbed onto his side of the bed, half sprawling over his lover, an arm reaching over the pale chest, his hand over the beating heart, holding him protectively. A pale hand covered his, and entwined their fingers.

The mission could have gone wrong. It could have been both of them that didn't come back home. Suddenly Iruka felt tears stream across his face and onto the pale shoulder under him. He shouldn't be crying, no, not over the fact that he was glad that it wasn't Kakashi that didn't come back home. He couldn't be that selfish could he? The hand over his tightened its grip and the other wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer. He choked on a sob as he tried to make the tears stop.

"Shh," Kakashi whispered on his forehead, "shh, Ruru." He rubbed his lover's back soothingly.

Iruka buried his face into the pale neck and tried to calm himself down, his lover whispering into his ear.

"Relax, Ruru, everything's all right," his voice dropped, "I'm alright." He understood his lover too well. He knew that his lover felt guilty for feeling grateful that it wasn't Kakashi that didn't come home. His words broke the chunin's self-control as he began to sob uncontrollably. Muffled by the pale neck and pillow.

Kakashi brought the coupled hands up to his lip and kissed the tan fingers, "Shhhh," he tried to rock his trembling lover, "shhhh."

"I- I -," Iruka's words choked on his sobs, "I'm s-sorry."

"Shhh, don't Iruka," his hand rubbing soothing circles on the younger man's back. He rubbed his cheek against the wet tan one, "It's ok."

The chunin abruptly tried to pull away from him, but he pulled back, "Don't Iruka," he said in a firm voice, "Please, don't…" _Please don't push me away…_The chunin squirmed in his arms, "Please, love…" he whispered into his lover's ear, and felt the body cease its movement.

"'Kashi…" he pulled away enough to lock the jounin in a passionate kiss, and with every breath it turned desperate.

Kakashi pulled away and cupped a tan flushed tan cheek, "Iruka…are you…going to be alright?"

Iruka gave him a considering look before nodding. Kakashi pulled him back down into a tight embrace, "Ruru…" he said softly against his cheek. He felt himself become aware of his exhaustion, and his eyes became heavy.

Iruka felt the embrace turn loose and realized that the older man must have succumbed to his exhaustion. He pulled away and looked at the pale face under him. He gingerly removed the hitai ate, and placed it over the dog tags. He trailed his thumb along the vertical scar, _Life has been so unfair to you…_he leaned down and kissed the scar, as if trying to kiss away the pain. The older man sighed in his sleep, and he settled back against the jounin.

He knew that this was the life of shinobi, but that didn't mean he had to completely dehumanize himself. At times like these, when he is memorized of how much his lover has been through, times like these, he wishes he could just hold on to him and never let him go. Times like these, he became angry at the world that was so unfair to them. Time like these, he loves the jounin even more.


End file.
